Story by Fortesa Latifi | April 18, 2024 | Story by Fortesa Latifi | Teen Vogue
Natalie, a 28-year-old in Arizona, collects screenshots of people’s dating app profiles in a folder on her phone, including one person’s list of qualities they don’t want in someone they’re dating: being vaccinated, being liberal, being bisexual, and not wanting kids.
“It seems like the apps are filled with very much mostly conservative men,” Natalie says. “Like not being super conservative is a dealbreaker right away.” Natalie considers herself independent, with more liberal views on reproductive rights and more moderate views on topics like immigration.
Natalie has pinpointed a trend: Young women are becoming ideologically more liberal, creating a stark contrast between themselves and young men, whose views are not changing in kind. According to a recent Gallup poll, only 25% of men between the ages of 18 and 29 identify as politically liberal, while 40% of women in the same age group do. The poll found that more young women identify as liberal today than in 1999, while the rate of young men identifying the same way has mostly stayed the same. This poll comes as young men’s interest in certain right-wing figures like Andrew Tate, a self-proclaimed misogynist, grows. And, as Natalie points out, this difference in opinion is manifesting on dating apps.
Tyler, 25, considers himself to be politically conservative and noticed when he was in college that women were more likely to consider differing political views a red flag than men were. “A [large amount] of liberal women won’t even consider dating conservative men and if they do, the abortion topic seems to be the biggest dealbreaker,” he says. “These days I don’t care anymore. If that’s a dealbreaker and preventing someone from liking me as a person, then it’s not worth my time.”
When Tyler was assessing potential love interests, he was less interested in whether their politics aligned and more focused on potential compatibility and similar moral values (though one can argue politics are a reflection of moral values). Even if politics weren’t explicitly discussed on a date, they were hinted at when talking about common first-date topics like work-life balance; Tyler believes his future wife shouldn’t have to work if she doesn’t want to, which could indicate his conservative political leanings.
They also have different pop culture and dating preferences.
Politics has always been tied to personal values, but Chelsey, 26, says that as political polarization grows, these beliefs can be an indication as to what kind of lifestyle your date might live — things like, as Tyler mentions, whether your partner would support you if you needed an abortion, or views on women’s roles in the home.
“It used to be that you ask somebody their political views and all you’re talking about is, ‘who did you vote for?’” she says. “But now it impacts things like ‘how will you treat me as a partner?’ The thought of trying to be with anybody new in this political climate is so daunting.”
Hudson, a college student, says being a liberal man has helped his dating life, especially in a world where “almost every conversation about some outside world event can become political somehow.” Even if young people aren’t explicitly asking about politics on first dates, Hudson says they’re reading between the lines and figuring out their date’s political predilections. Even seemingly innocuous questions like whether someone prefers to live in a city or a suburb or what kind of hobbies they have can be a hint. Twice, Hudson has asked a girl he’s interested in how they are and they’ve responded with an answer about being a woman in a country that’s trying to repeal reproductive health rights. “As a guy, even as a liberal guy, it feels like you can’t win because saying anything directly seems like you’re trying too hard,” he says.
Though research shows the political gap between young men and women is widening, some young people are trying to bridge that gap by continuing relationships with people who don’t believe in the same things as they do. Mary, 25, calls herself a “huge liberal” so she was surprised when she fell for Matt* (whose name has been changed), a guy who voted for Trump twice, owned an AR-15, and kept a loaded pistol in his bedside table. “I was willing to look past all that because I just found his other traits so attractive,” Mary says. “He’s really funny and smart and financially stable and never asked me to foot the bill or anything. He always opened the door for me, which I found really charming.”
But, through the course of their on-and-off casual relationship, what Mary sees as Matt’s more conservative (or even red-pilled) views would shine through in arguments. Once, Mary says he slut-shamed her for how many men she had slept with. Another time, she remembers, he said he found bisexuality to be disgusting. Looking back at the relationship, Mary wonders if the same arguments would have happened with a more progressive guy. “I haven’t been slut-shamed like that from a progressive guy,” she says. “You know what I mean? I was pushing it aside. I don’t think I would [date someone again who is so different politically from me].”